If I Ever Loved You
by 0XOX Walking Flame
Summary: ONE-SHOT! More heartbreaks, this is REALLY REALLY SAD! It's Suze's choice either be saved for broken, but, well, does she want to be saved? Or is she too late.


Summary—Suze and Jesse can finally be together. But Suze is reminded of Paul from everything Jesse does. How can Paul influence their love when he's not even there. It was one choice for Suze to either be broken. Or be save.

More heartbreaks. And you know, those sad stuffs. REALLY REALLY SAD. So there, you're warned.

* * *

"This is great Jesse," I laughed, leaning forward dangerously over the beam, just to get another glance at the mind-blowing glow of the sun. The only thing supporting me was Jesse's hold around me, and that was good enough for me. I let the warmth from him seep through my body.

He didn't say anything but a little smile in return. A soft, caring one. I smiled softly, leaning so that my head met his shoulder.

He reached out to brush a strand of my chestnut hair back which had fallen restlessly over my eyes. I breathed it all in. The wild scent of the forest. The exotic colors of the moutains.

The wind blew forcefully, reluctantly trying to blow us over the hill's peak. But Jesse's hold on me was so strong, and so loving. I felt the tingle in my skin at his touch. He grasped my hands so that his fingers slid through mine. My cheeks were flushing red from his warmth.

"Welcome to Seattle," he whispered softly, his breath tinkling my cheeks. I blinked softly, shaking my hair off my face. For a minute, his voice trapped in me, hollowing over and over again. I shivered, this reminded me too much.

"_Welcome to Seattle, Suze." He pulled on his trademark grin, pulling me into his grip. I felt the rush of warmth from his hand._

I quickly broke away from him, my eyes widening in fear.

"What's wrong Susannah," Jesse asked softly, cocking his head in confusion. I shuttered, letting out a small sigh.

"Nothing," I said suddenly, struggling to keep my gaze off him, into the orange sky. It used to be pastelled with color. All different shades of orange, sweet smudged orange. The sun beamed greatly over the high lush mountain peaks. The sunlight glazed over the trees. But now, it's just . . . blank orange. Just one piece of color altogether.

The smile disappeared from my lips. "Look," I ran a hand through my long sun-glazed hair. "Um, we better get inside."

He cocked a brow in confusion. "Are you okay, the sun's going to set soon—"

"_Suze," he laughed, grasping my arm so that I whipped around, facing him. "Are you sure you want to miss the sunset?"_

"No," I cut him off quickly, shaking me head forcefully, so that my long hair whipped me in the face. I pulled a hand up for my forehead, it was burning hot. I blinked slowly, lifted my long lashes, almost giving up on opening my eyes again. "I think I may be sick. You know, from the weather. I'm not sure if I'm used to this sudden weather change from sunny California to you know, Seattle. I'm gonna go in."

He smiled, I felt almost dizzily warm. "I'll come in with you," he offered, wrapping an arm around me.

"NO!" I pushed away, staggering back to catch my fall. "I need to, just, you know . . ."

I slumped away. My mind was rushing, his voiced filled me with dread. What, why? How can Jesse possibly remind me so, _so_ much of Paul. I fell breathless into the hotel suite. I want it away, I didn't want Paul lingering in my mind. Though he gone, he's still so close. I didn't want his placed in my mind. I didn't want him anywhere near me.

I wrapped myself under the covers, drowsily resting my head, slouching away my shoulder. My toes nearly reached the tip of the bed, I pulled it back against my stomach, resting it there. My whole body was jolting in coldness. I needed somebody to hold me, to help me. I needed warmth.

Suddenly, I heard to ring. I'll just let Jesse get that, and I'll just . . . it rang again. And again. And again. I groaned in annoyance, lifted the phone off the hook. "Hello?"

"Hello Suze. Miss me."

I bolted off my bed, collapsing on the ground. I managed to lift myself up, staring out the window. But I saw nothing, not even a sign of Jesse either. "What do you want," I asked dryly, sounding even and cool, but my heart was pounded against my ribs.

He chuckled coolly, his voice was smooth. "Meet me in the hotel hobby."

My eyes widened with fear. I didn't want to meet him, ever again. I didn't want to hear him. Or even be near him for that matter of fact. "Look," I pushed the thought of Jesse far back into my head. I faked a really bad Spanish accent. "I don't know you, don't call this line again."

"No, no, no," he stopped my before I was able to hang up. "Suze, don't play that with me. You know you want to meet me. Curiosity kills the cat after all."

"Um," I tried again, pushing my hair back. "I have no idea what you're talking about. I'm at Africa, hunting for wild boars. Um, I can't exactly—"

"Suze," he retorted, "Just meet me there." And hung up.

Whatever. God knows I won't. I pushing myself back to bad, loosing the flavor in my mouth. My mouth a blunt, and dry.

I had nearly dozed off when I felt weight against the mattress, it dropped about an inch. I smiled upon myself. Jesse had weight. I never felt him around me, never the weight against the bed. He ran a hand through my hair. "Susannah," he whispered, leaning his head close to mine. I lifted my head so that my lips met his, giving him a small kiss.

I moaned, lifting my hand away to the side. "I'm so tired," I lied, lifting an eye. But I knew more. It was so much more than being tired.

"Susannah," he grazed his fingers against my cheeks. "I'm so sorry. Father just called from the mission, he needs me there as soon as possible. I'm leaving now."

I didn't bother, but muttered a few words that didn't even make sense to me. "I love you." I groaned tirely.

"Suze," he caught me by the arm, and flipped me around so that I was facing him. Okay, well, I couldn't see him anyway with my eyes closed, but whatever. "Do you want to talk?"

"Talk?" I suddenly jolted up from my bed, he still hadn't released his grip on me. I writhed under his gaze. I looked away, out the window. "_Talk?_ Why do we need to, um, talk? Life is fine, ya know. Talk would be, like, so overrated. I mean, who ever _talks _anymore. Really, Jesse, if you wanted to talk, call the operator or something, coz you—"

He leaned his head back, letting out an unusually loud laugh. I bit my lips slowly, regretting my words. What the hell did I say? Knowing me, probably something embarrassing.

"Really Susannah," uh oh, no more Suze to him. "I do think we need to talk."

I sat back against the little wooden bedside table that they've provided us at the hotel. I shook my head slowly, I didn't WANT to talk. Is he, like abusing me into talking or something. Cause, I could, like, so sue him for that.

"Do you feel something wrong with this relationship?" he asked, shifting his position. I opened my mouth to speak, but he cut me off. "Do you feel the distance that's been left between us for so long?"

I wanted to say no. I wanted to tell him to shut up, but somehow, I knew that he was right. Like he always was. "I—" but I had nothing to say.

"Susannah, please. Tell me what's wrong. You always say that we were meant to be. We were forever. But lately, I, and I know you do to, feel that there has been a gap between us. I really want this to work."

I felt tears. They were threatening to come out, but I held on. I saved every last one of them. "I'm sorry Jesse."

He reached out and cupped my chin with his hand. They felt so warm under my face. He studied my expressions carefully. I didn't bare any. "Susannah, tell me what's wrong. Because you know that I love you."

"I lo—" I couldn't say it. I couldn't get the words out. I could say nothing, I wanted to tell him that I loved him. But somehow . . .

And he saw it. He saw right through me, almost like I was transparent. I wanted to love him more than anything. "Slater."

"No, Jesse," I pleaded. "This is not about him. He's not here anymore. It's just me. Please just give me a chance to talk this out. I'll—"

"Tell me that there's an explanation for this." He shook his head, you could see the hurt in his eyes. His face was full of pain, and it hit my heart. "Please tell me."

"I," I looked away, praying for the tears to stop. To stop hurting. "I can't."

He broke away contact with me, reaching into his pocket for his cell. He stared at it, as I stared at him. His hands were shaking, ever so slightly. I knew that I'd hurt him. He looked down at the flashing cell.

"Susannah," he reached for me hand, but I pulled them back. "Please come back with me to Carmel. We'll talk this out." I swear to you. Can't he?

Something was still tugging on my heartstring. Was it Paul? I didn't want to know, I didn't want to know what it was, but I _did_ know. I knew this more than any answer that I've replied to Jesse so far. "Just give me time."

"There is no time," he looked up at me with pleading eyes. "If I leave . . ." He reached into his jacket pocket, pulling out a long silver ticket for me. My token to be broken. Or saved. It was my choice. "Come with me," he said bitterly. "Or there is no tomorrow."

_There is no tomorrow._ He gave me one more look, and stood up. Leaving me there. Baring no tears. Because I didn't believe in them, no, I didn't _deserve_ them.

0.0.0.

I stared at those ticket for the whole afternoon. I was bleeding inside, but my face was blank. I clutched on to these. By the time I finally moved, it was already 6 o'clock. I had missed Paul.

I had missed _Jesse_.

0.0.0.

It was a token to be broken or saved. I wanted to be saved. I wanted more than _life_ to be saved. I used it. The ticket, by the time I arrived back to Carmel, it was already 2 o'clock at in the morning. It was too late, to find Jesse.

I picked up the phone, dialing the number.

"Father D," I slurred, my face was red from the bloodstained tears. "Is Jesse there?"

The person answering the phone was not Father D. "I'm sorry," she muttered lowly, her voice shaking. "Who is this?"

I scratched my head, yawning. "Susannah. Suze Simon."

"Haven't you heard," she squeaked in a tiny voice. "They di—"

I yelp, dropping the phone. "What do you want!" I screaming at Dopey. He looked ghostly at me, shutting the door behind him at he marched down. I picked up the phone slowly. "Hello? Hello?"

0.0.0.

I woke up. Hoping that it was all a dream. But I knew, like always, that it wasn't. Because the hurt in me was so real, so painful. It was no dream.

0.0.0.

I read slowly, my hair falling into my face, blocking the tears streaking down my face.

Here lies Jesse De Silva and Father Dominic 

_Two brave heroes who risked their own life to_

_save others_

_Rest in Peace_

They couldn't find the body. They had driven off the bridge, and there was no trace of the bodies. I was hurting, bleeding. And there was nobody to stop it, to help me. To save me.

I guess Jesse was right . . .

I bent down, over where little grass grew. The dirt beneath me. I reached out, scribbling with my finger:

_There is no tomorrow._

_

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_Now please REVIEW!_


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